Scenes from My Nightmare

First, this period, which seemed to go on for days, was filled with absolute terror and intense anger. In "my reality" I was taken into a large white room with very tall walls but no ceiling, similar to what one sees when a television camera pulls back from a television stage setting. It contained only one bed and nothing else. I insisted that this could not be the ICU, but was told in angry terms by both a female and a male nurse that it definitely was. The female nurse, in particular, seemed to me to be the "essence of evil" and anxious to punish or torture me. Nonetheless, I continued to insist that the real ICU, the place where I would be safe, was on the other side of the walls and, in fact, could hear voices and activity from that area. Was I hearing my husband, my friends, my primary care physician? I was restrained to the bed with threats of continued restraint and more drugs to "calm me down." I was terrified and angry at being held prisoner.

In the next "scene" I had somehow escaped from the bed and found myself in a place that reminded me of the Starship Enterprise, but with some major differences. This was a circular, slightly concave structure about 25 feet in diameter with a large hole in the center. The structure was made of a very heavy material such as steel or cast iron and made somewhat irregular by ridges placed at intervals. For a time I felt safe here. But then I noticed three or four booths--similar to movie theater ticket booths-- placed at intervals on the structure and in these booths were sinister characters. Though I have no idea who they were, I believed they were there to keep me from escaping and was very frightened. This structure was floating on water and separated from a walk-way that surrounded the central structure by a wide moat. I was on the central structure and was petrified. Suddenly, the two nurses appeared in scuba diving gear. Other persons were on the walkway. All were trying to capture me, and I was bordering on hysteria.

Again I escaped; how, I have no idea. I wandered around outside in the sunlight, and came to a small, pleasant looking house surrounded by a white picket fence with a front yard full of flowers. I recall gazing at this lovely sight for some time and thinking that I had found safety. Was this a time when my husband or a friend was with me? Suddenly it was dark, very foggy, and I began searching for the "real" ICU. In an alley I found a young man who was very kind and engaged my trust. Who was this? My own physician, a nurse practitioner who is a very good personal friend, my husband? I told him what had happened to me and how I was trying to get back to the hospital. He promised, and convinced me, that he would take me to a place where I would be cared for and then taken to the "real" ICU. By this time various wounds were bleeding, and I was in considerable pain.

I agreed to go with him and he took me to an old dilapidated house from which very loud rock and roll music was emanating. Although I had some trepidation at this point, I was so sick that I followed him into the house. The house was packed with people who were smoking, drinking, eating and generally having a big party. Almost immediately the "evil" female nurse appeared. I was horrified and enraged at the young man's duplicity, but by this time he was gone. The nurse again began to threaten me with being tied up and drugged if I attempted to escape. For several days I was tied to a board in a position that ensured maximum pain. I was not fed. I was drugged. People came and went- all ignored my plight. Finally, after several days, everyone rapidly left the house, and a man who had been sleeping near me demonstrated compassion, untied me, and helped me escape. Again, was this a period when my husband was with me?

Again, I wandered the streets alone, and again was caught by persons who were at the beck and call of the "evil" nurse. They dragged me back to the room with the single bed, where I was restrained and drugged. Again I escaped and, in terror of again being caught, began a frantic search for the "real" ICU, all the while being followed by the "evil" nurse and other persons under her direction.

I did find the "real" ICU, but to my horror, the "evil nurse" was there. My last memories are of fighting with her, escaping from the four-point restraints, running around the ICU to escape her and, finally, cowering in a corner, sobbing. That was the end of "my reality" during this five and 1/2 day period.

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Nightmare